Last month I wrote a eulogy in praise of my uncle, a Good Householder. Today, however, I have a much sadder task - to write about the tragic, completely unnecessary death of a young alcoholic, in the hope it may warn others about the dangers of ignoring this illness.
Julio (not his real name, of course) was only 40 when he died. An autopsy disclosed that he had cirrhosis of the liver and a large tumour in his stomach. We don't know which of these conditions actually brought about his death, but we do know that they were both caused by his chronic alcoholic drinking.
His death was unnecessary, because both problems were treatable if only he had sought medical help. And what makes his death all the more tragic is the fact that this young man was himself a brilliant doctor, and must have understood only too well what his symptoms meant.
Yet he was unable to stop drinking, even so.
Julio was a friend of my daughter. They lived in different States, but met because they had both been "talent spotted" by an Ivy League American university, in a special programme which scrutinized teens in the talented and gifted classes of high schools to identify the most all-round, gifted students. Their university mentors then sponsored the select few into summer programmes and early university admissions.
These students were the "creme de la creme" of their age group. They all had dazzling careers before them, and the university wanted to make sure their gifts would not be wasted.
Julio and my daughter attended summer school together, at a well-known and highly respected University, and later both went on to receive scholarship funding for their degree programmes. They became good friends, and often visited one another during holidays, keeping in touch by phone and email throughout the years.
The death of this young man was a shocking event. It came completely out of the blue.
What could have made him ignore the many warning signals he must have noticed? The concerns of his friends and family, who saw him drinking his life away? His repeated depressions, his dysfunctional relationships, his lost opportunities?
The answer, of course, is the nature of his illness - alcoholism. It's the only disease which tells you that you don't have it. Denial is part of it, and it keeps millions of alcoholics in subjection to its relentless ravages until one day time runs out, and they die.
Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant. In other words, it's a downer - it brings about a state of depression even in those not usually prone to it. And if you are already depressed, as it seems Julio was, then alcohol, far from offering relief, makes that depression a thousand times worse.
Alcoholics die from their illness, and that death comes via many routes. It may be that the alcoholic's organs simply give out, exhausted, so that the body can no longer sustain itself. Sometimes alcoholics die through choking, alone, with nobody to help them. Many alcoholics commit suicide, unable to face the terrible situations their illness has brought about - the broken relationships, the alienated children, the failed career, the utter and desperate loneliness.
Sooner or later, an alcoholic who continues to drink will die from it.
When you try to warn them, it's amazing how persuasive the alcoholic can be! Nothing much wrong with me, they assure you, nothing I can't deal with. Yes, I'll stop drinking. Tomorrow. Just one last party, one last night out .....I can handle it. Don't worry about me.
And their families accept their assurances because they love them and fear for them. They hope against hope that this time the alcoholic means it, and is really going to get help.
Sometimes spouses or parents make appointments for the alcoholic to get counselling. Of course, the alcoholic doesn't show up, or makes it for only one or two appointments, and then drops out. Why? Because it's too hard to keep denying the truth, that it's the drinking that's causing the problems, and they leave before they actually have to admit it, even to themselves.
The only way an alcoholic can survive is to stop drinking. And the best way to ensure recovery is for them to start going to Alcoholics Anonymous, find a sponsor, and keep working the programme.
Very, very few alcoholics actually do recover. The statistics are depressing in themselves, but one key fact emerges again and again, all over the world - AA is the best and safest route to sobriety.
Julio never took that route. He said he was too scared to get help, that if he did, he might lose his medical licence. In fact, that was simply another excuse to keep drinking. AA respects the anonymity of all who seek help, as millions of recovering alcoholics - including me - can confirm.
In AA, I've met recovering doctors, lawyers, teachers, airline pilots, religious ministers and priests, counsellors and psychologists. Everyone is supportive towards everyone else, and the newcomer is always given a warm, sincere welcome. It is a safe place: everyone knows how much is at stake - their lives, their careers, their families, their very existence - and nobody betrays their fellow alcoholics.
I write this because if you, dear reader, have an alcoholic friend or relative, or if you yourself suspect you may suffer from this terrible disease, I hope you will be spurred on to get help.
And if you are struggling to cope with an alcoholic in your own family, please, please make the effort to go to Alanon. Alanon is an anonymous organization which supports people living with, or affected by, an alcoholic. Like AA, Alanon respects your own anonymity. And also like AA, it offers a wholehearted welcome and ongoing support, because it is entirely run by fellow sufferers, people who - like you - have the problem of how to live with, or stay close to, an alcoholic loved one, how best to help the alcoholic without losing their own sanity.
Alcoholism is one of the worst scourges of our times. I hope and pray that anyone reading this who recognizes themselves or someone they love in this situation will get help at once. There really is no time to lose. The clock started ticking when the alcoholic took his first drink.
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