We've looked at some problems relating to forgiveness, and we've established that forgiveness is an extremely important spiritual process. If we hold on to old resentments and past hurts, we can't make any progress. Those I's will interfere and hold us back, sapping our energy and creating long-term stress. They can even make us ill.
So, we need to forgive. Not too quickly, as I explained in the previous post, because that can be a spiritual bypass, a way of avoiding the hurt we have experienced and of denigrating ourselves; we are important, just as important as the person who's hurt us, and we need to be kind to ourselves by understanding when we have been wronged. Denial is no help, and will only ensure that the harm continues.
Should we always forget?
Yes, if the harm is relatively trivial, or if the relationship we have with the person who hurt us is too important and too positive to allow a passing injury to cancel all the good.
I'm thinking of here of minor injuries, such as your spouse's forgetting - again! - to take out the trash, or to call you to say when she'll be home. They are inconvenient, but not really important. Compared with the love you bear each other, they are really nothing, but they happen and we all need to acknowledge that fact. If something is causing problems between you, speak to the other person about it and let them know. And then forget it. Yes, it may happen again, but so what? It's really unimportant in the great scheme of things, and you don't want a good relationship to turn sour because you're obsessing over small things.
After all, you doubtless cause them similar minor problems! And if you want them to forgive you, you also have to forgive them.
What about the major hurts, though? Suppose our spouse has been unfaithful? Or a colleague has stolen money from our purse? Or you discover that someone you thought was a friend has been gossiping maliciously about you to others?
These are real injuries, and if we decide that the relationship is worth saving we will have to confront the person with our hurt and angry feelings. Yes, it will be difficult, and the other person may not respond. If we don't confront, however, we will allow those feelings to fester and spoil the relationship anyway. And we may decide that the infidelity, or the theft, or the betrayal are simply too much to overlook, that we don't want to be close to someone who can cause us such pain.
We know we have to forgive. The Work tells us so; the Head of Conscious Humanity, Jesus Christ, commands us to, and reinforces those instructions in the words of the Lord's Prayer: Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and AA and NA make forgiveness part of the Twelve Steps.
In these serious cases, however, we may actually forgive, but be left with a feeling of cautiousness that is actually very helpful. The straying spouse may stray once more, and we may find we need to leave the relationship to save our sanity. The colleague's continuing petty thefts may indicate an addiction problem. Our friend may in fact be a "toxic person" who is not a real friend at all, and in this case we need to end that relationship.
When we do so, when we end a long-term relationship of any kind, we are bound to feel hurt, and some of us - women, particularly - will feel guilty. As we saw in last week's post, many women have been raised ro believe that we should just "put up or shut up", keep taking any amount of abuse, because that is our duty as a woman. We are there to serve others, but we ourselves are worthless.
It's absolutely vital not to internalize this guilt, if it arises. We need to see it as what it is; a self-defeating, harmful attitude composed of several petty I's who are located in the negative emotional centre, and who have no right to speak for us. We observe ourselves, hear these messages, and then detach from them.
We are worthwhile, valuable people. If those around us treat us badly, we have every right to end our relationship with them. Doing so could save our life.
At the same time, we don't want to end a relationship in bitterness and recrimination. Depending on the emotional maturity of the other person, this may be extremely difficult. We can maintain a firm refusal to engage any further in that relationship, at the same time making it clear that we have forgiven the injury and have let it go; of course, this is much harder than it sounds, but it is perfectly possible and really necessary for our own sanity and peace of mind.
Ending relationships is often a very sad and difficult process. Whether it be a long-standing friendship with someone who has perhaps become mentally ill and is now abusive, or whether it's the breakup of a marriage or similar partnership, the ending is a bereavement that must be mourned. Mourning is not a negative emotion. We feel sad and hurt, but we also know that we have to protect ourselves. We wish the other person no harm, and we're told we must pray for them, so that is what we do.
And if we can't bring ourselves to forgive, or to mourn without bitterness, we need to pray - to ask our Higher Power for the willingness to forgive and then to let go of the relationship.
Over the course of our lifetime we are bound to have relationships with people who hurt us and let us down. Life is a pain factory, Gurdjieff tells us, and in order to grow spiritually we have to purify our negative emotional centre. Ending toxic relationships is necessary for our personal wellbeing, but letting go of the guilt afterwards is often very hard work. Yet it is work for which we should thank the "toxic person", because through these efforts we will acquire new strength.
Whenever such a situation has arisen in my own life, I've ended the relationship, and when I've worked through the period of mourning which always follows, I visualize the other person as wrapped in light, and I trust them to the care of God. I see them enfolded in love and mercy, and I wish them well.
And I often have to do this not just once, but many times over, until the hurt and injury has been thoroughly worked through. Each time, I hand the person over to the loving care of God. This way I find brings peace of mind and soul, and I trust the other person may also benefit.
Forgiving may be hard, but not to do so may cost us our life.
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