Essence Relationships

We think of Essence relationships as something very beneficial - a vitally important link to other people, much stronger than relationships formed in Personality.

And often that is exactly what they are. Our spouse, our children, our parents are all related to us in our Essence, and our feelings for them are very deep.

If we're lucky enough to find Essence friends, we cherish these relationships and value them above most others in our lives.

Essence friends are people with whom we're very close and connected at a fundamental level. This connection can be through our common spiritual journeys, especially if we are in the Work and develop friendships among others in our group.  But it may also be formed by other religious contacts, such as people we meet at church, or in a philosophical or religious discussion group, and to whom we're drawn through a common interest and outlook.

Sometimes they develop through our hobbies; perhaps we've taken an art class, for example, and found someone there whose ideas we share, and with whom we develop a friendship. Any pursuit which brings people together to follow a spiritual, intellectual or creative path can lead to strong Essence friendships, and is one of the benefits of such groups.

But not all Essence relationships are good for us in the long run. It may be that we find ourselves drawn to people who don't have our welfare at heart. We recall that Gurdjieff taught that all sexual contacts take place in Essence, no matter how casual, how unpleasant, or how harmful they may turn out to be.

This is because our Essence is often childish and unable to make good judgments about whether those we choose to spend time with - let alone share our lives with - are actually going to hurt us.

False Personality plays a part in bringing about such sexual relationships, for we may be attracted to those whom we know, at an unconscious level, are bad for us. Such a relationship can easily become abusive, but is always codependent and therefore very difficult to break away from.

All therapists have known people trapped in such relationships. They bring much grief and sorrow, and can even cause death when one of the partners becomes so unhappy that they wish to end their life.

Personality and False Personality are, of course, the main initiators of abusive relationships but, once they have become sexual, they are Essence relationships, and as such they are very, very harmful. They can cause us to fall into depression; to relapse into addiction; to harm ourselves; to leave the Work, or abandon our religious beliefs. Again at the unconscious level, we may realize that our abusive relationship is in conflict with what our Higher Power, or Conscious Humanity, wishes for us. But the codependence is so strong that we feel paralyzed, unable to free ourselves.

Essence friendships can also turn sour. At the beginning of this post, I noted that our close family relationships are in Essence, and we know how destructive the family can be. Parents and children may bear one another ill will for some long-ago incident; sibling rivalry is very real and painful; and the Bible notes that a person's worst enemies "are those of his own household". This, of course, refers to our spiritual world as well as our actual, physical household.

 And so it can be with Essence friendships. What was once a source of joy can become a festering pit of resentment. All too often, relationships that have progressed to become part of our Essence can later become contaminated with I's in False Personality.

This happens because, as we are, we cannot "do". We so easily fall back into False Personality, especially when someone "treads on our corns", and all those resentful, angry and arrogant I's spring forth to defend some imaginary insult or avenge some perceived slight. Sometimes this is the fault of both people in a relationship, who have not been working on themselves and have not observed the gradual slide into False Personality that has taken place in their interactions.

Sometimes it is mainly the fault of one person, usually the man or woman who has been in the Work for a lesser amount of time, or who is less developed spiritually no matter what the context is; or who has not been working on themselves for some while.

If both people have good will and wish to repair the quarrel, they may invoke the Third Force of the Work to bring about reconciliation, and clearly this is the best course of action. It can be done by both parties' externally considering one another, and seeing their own part in the misunderstanding. They may pray about the relationship, entrusting it to their Higher Power, to Conscious Humanity. If both are willing to do this, the result is usually a relationship that has become stronger because of their efforts. It will be stronger, in fact, than if the breach had not taken place, because both have had to make Work efforts and will appreciate the relationship all the more.

The problem is that it takes not only good will to bridge a gap, but insight and remorse. Both people must examine their conscience and see where they went wrong. Such a process is painful and difficult, and in Life it is often shirked. The result is a string of broken relationships, hurt feelings, and family quarrels.

In the Work we cannot avoid this process if we wish to remain in a good spiritual state, and able to make progress. No matter how hard it is, we must be willing to examine ourselves and see where we may have contributed to the brokenness. To do this requires humility, the very opposite of the False Personality, arrogant, "hot air" I's, which prefer to keep a quarrel going, and rather enjoy feeling angry and hurt!

But if the result is to repair an Essence relationship, the effort will be very worthwhile.

And if, unfortunately, we are forced to realize that the other person cannot change, cannot experience remorse, and that consequently they will continue to act destructively, then the relationship must be ended for our own sake. In such a case we must forgive the other person, because it is not their fault that they are unable to make efforts. And then, having forgiven them and entrusted their care to Conscious Humanity, we simply let go.