Relationships and Relapse: or, the Danger of Codependence

Addiction is sometimes called a disease of relapse. That doesn't mean that relapses are inevitable, thank God! My husband has just celebrated his 27th AA birthday, while I've just turned 25. Neither of us has suffered a relapse, and there are many others like us in AA and NA.

But relapses can and do occur, and when they happen it's more often than not because a relationship has gone wrong.

Why should this be? Why are relationships so dangerous? And does that mean we'd be better off living alone for the rest of our lives?

Heaven forbid! As well as being AA "old timers", my husband and I are happily married. We thank God every day for bringing us together, and next week we'll be celebrating our china wedding (20 years).

Others aren't so lucky. 

The problem is that when we are drinking or using drugs, we're in the grip of a terrible illness, our addiction. We are sick people. Very sick. Sick people choose other sick people for partners, and consequently our relationships end up a mess. Sick people have sick relationships; a relationship is only as healthy as the people involved.

Whether we're well or sick, we all choose people whose level of mental health, or sickness, is similar to our own. Addiction is a family illness, and many of us were raised by addicted parents and their codependent spouses, so it's no wonder that when we first come into recovery we haven't a clue what a healthy relationship actually is.

For example, a controlling, fearful woman may choose a passive man for a partner, because this is a situation she's familiar with, and one she thinks she can manipulate. Codependents are often controlling, because they think this is what the other person "needs". Being in control makes such a person feel safe, but what happens next? Soon, the man begins to resent being controlled and may relapse, or the woman may become dissatisfied and resent the limitations his passive nature imposes.

A martyr may choose a compulsive helper; an abuser may choose a willing victim, and so on.

Typically, an alcoholic person, even in recovery, will make a beeline for a codependent partner, because that's what he or she observed in their family of origin. And codependents gravitate to alcoholics for the same reason, and the situation perpetuates itself.

To understand the dynamics of the dysfunctional, addicted family, it's important to study the literature on codependence and if possible go to a meeting of Alanon or Adult Children of Alcoholics.

There are various coping strategies that those of us from such families have unconsciously adopted, and that skew our perceptions and the way we relate to others. Nobody from a dysfunctional family ever escapes without damage. And we bring the damage with us into each new relationship we try to form.

If an addict in a long term relationship comes into recovery, either the entire relationship will improve, especially if the codependent spouse also attends Alanon meetings; or - more likely - it will collapse. The newly abstinent spouse seems a completely different person, and the codependent partner feels useless and helpless. Deprived of their familiar role, the codependent may leave, and then the addict is perfectly poised for a relapse. The codependent partner may then return, and the whole cycle begin over again.

My own case is typical. I was raised by an alcoholic man and a passive, codependent woman. I learned that it's a woman's job to obey her husband, cover up his addiction, and accept abuse. When I grew up I had absolutely no idea of what a healthy marriage could be, and I chose my spouses accordingly.

I've been legally married three times, but only once in church, so I'm very fortunate - my first two marriages, both disastrous, didn't count in the eyes of the church, so as a Christian I've been married only once. And that's actually how it feels to me now. This is the first healthy relationship I've ever had, and it's completely different from my past experiences. What I have today is love, not codependence.

I can see now that my first two "spouses" were completely unsuitable for me, but it's only with hindsight that I can see just why this was so. My first, whom I was pressured into marrying at university by the dean of students, was a heavy drinker who went out each night, chased other women, and left me on my own. I soon grew bored and angry, and moved out.

The second was a gay man who thought he might be bisexual, and was therefore interested in trying to make a go of being married and having children. Unfortunately for our marriage, he turned out to be gay, not bi, and eventually he felt he was living a lie. He left me and our children and went to live with another man, with whom he'd fallen in love, and that was the event that precipitated my drinking. Of course, my ex wasn't responsible for this and he didn't cause my alcoholism. The illness was waiting in the wings and would doubtless have surfaced in the end, but the breakup brought it on.

What had attracted me to this man - apart from his being very good-looking and popular - was his emotional unavailability. My father had been similarly remote, when not actually drinking, so I replicated my family situation in my marriage.

It wasn't until I was two years sober, and had the benefit of a year's counselling, that I was finally able to make a wise choice.

By that time I'd become enmeshed in yet another codependent relationship, this time with a man who drank heavily (surprise!) and was married, so was just as unavailable as my second husband had been. After that initial two years, I realized I had to end that relationship, because if I didn't I would put my sobriety at risk, and then I would have nothing. I couldn't allow that to happen, for my children's sake as much as my own, but ending that affair was the second hardest thing I've ever done. The first, of course, was giving up alcohol.

So much of our culture exalts codependence as if it were something marvellous, to be sought after. Pop songs reinforce the idea that we have to have that one special person, that man or woman we just can't live without. Plays, films, soap operas - all show relationships as heavily codependent, with the implication that that is how we're meant to live.

But in recovery, counsellors call such codependence a "second step slip". Instead of relying on our Higher Power, normally the God of our understanding or the AA group, we've chosen to make another, very fallible, human being our higher power - and no relationship, no person, can live up to that expectation.

In recovery we're advised not to get into a new relationship until we've been clean and sober for at least one year, and preferably for two. If we're already married or in a long term partnership, we will want to work on making that relationship as healthy as possible; but we have to accept that perhaps it can't be done. We chose one another in a state of mental distress, and our choice may be the opposite of what we need to become well.

What I've written applies as much to same-sex relationships as to heterosexual ones. The feelings are exactly the same, of course, though there may be added social pressures to cope with. AA and NA both have separate meetings in most areas for LGBT members, so that they won't feel stigmatized by other alcoholics and addicts. Sadly, that can happen. 

Any addict is also codependent, and along with working the Twelve Step programme around our primary addiction we will want to examine our codependence. We can do this with our sponsor, especially when we work the fourth and fifth steps, or with a counsellor. But we have to face it and expose it as the impostor it is, otherwise we will be setting ourselves up for another failed relationship and - perhaps - a relapse.

My husband knows that, much as I love him, my sobriety comes first, and the same is true for him. If we don't maintain our spiritual health, sooner or later we will lose everything, including each other.

Sobriety means so much more than just abstinence. It means being clear-sighted and honest, understanding ourselves and the devious nature of our disease, and relying on our Higher Power for the help we need in staying sober. As the AA Big Book says, alcoholism has no cure, but we are given a daily reprieve from our illness as long as we maintain a fit spiritual condition.

Codependence is the hidden disease which drives so much of our behaviour when we are drinking, and in the early days of our recovery. If we don't overcome it, we will surely relapse. And we can't afford to do that. We may have the potential for another relapse in us, but we can't be sure we will have the strength for another recovery.